Love Notes

I find myself crying. For what I have missed, for that person I could have been. I confess to my Creator that I'm not sure I can do it. My lips move and brush against the text. The sound of my voice bounces back to me from the page. For a minute I'm not sure I can move. I cannot release myself from this moment of pure communication and simplicity to enter back into the space where Challenge will not let me live. Peacefully. I do not ask for much yet that for which I do request I find each time dismissed. Do You not also desire the streets to be filled with dancing?



The fabric folds and stretches in ways I do not understand. I attempt a tug every once in a while, but truthfully I sit and wait to be draped. I trust. In You. In only You. In no other being, human or not, of this world or of another, have I ever placed that thing. That word that keeps coming back to me as they sum up my inability to keep you close. And so I add to my requests that you understand my love and come back to me from across those long distances. I pray that you'll know I am waiting. I pray, my love, that you are reading this now.



The city expands from each step. From below it blows out before me, bigger than anything I could have dreamed. And the breeze mixes with the winds from the west, from those simple caresses that make me know You're here. She screams with a sense of finality as she forces a life from between her. I find myself crying. For this new one I hold in the folds of my flesh. I whisper sweet songs, "Kitzror hamor, ken dodi li. Bein shaday yalin."

She runs around the room with a wave of long blond frizz bellowing out behind her. Smallest eyes and sharpest mind, she looks for adventure in places I had long deemed barren. She dances alone in the center of the space. Her hands follow a pattern that I do not know while the beat adjusts to the song she cannot hear me singing. "Shuvi, shuvi shulamis. Shuvi, shuvi v'techezeh bach. Ki nechezeh bashulamis, kimcholot hamachanaim."

Hold your thumb up to your eye and all you see is a thumb. Remove it and you'll realize the world that has always existed just beyond your own arrogance. Run away from the fears that you have and they will follow close behind. Run from the strength that you have to confront them and you embrace the emptiness of misfortune.

Hold him close to you while you have him. Do not allow your hesitation to create space between your very limbs. For one moment to have his touch would I not give all that I am. Would my lips not lie, create falsehoods from each letter, for the chance to listen again to the sound of his heart through the skin of his chest.

Do I not yearn for You with the same burning pain. Look at me here and tell me, do I not wait for You each minute of the day. And when I cry, "bein kach ubein kach ani bocheh" do I not cry for this distance. My love compares so slightly to the feelings that are returned. I am not worthy. I harbor no doubts as to the condition of my actions and the selection of my merits. "L'man shmecha" for all that You are please send him already.

We should all have a year of life and blessing, of health and happiness, of strength and courage, and of revealed miracles. May this year end and the new one begin in Yerushalayim with the coming of Moshiach.