I know why you're thinking that. It's my fault that you misunderstood. I wove your weaknesses through the flesh of my fingertips and then snapped you away as if you were nothing but a rubber band. You were shocked when I confessed interest in what you had believed to be a world I would not enter. I was stunned to find that you were exactly as I thought. Despite what I know about the world, I find it easy to trust you.
I tell her the number. The colored sign that appeared out of nothing and implies an existence I'm not sure I can handle. Fourteen years. Too much and too little for the worries I have. My babies will not whisper their secrets to the walls. There have been enough hardships nestled within the plaster.
He tells me we'll sit in a circle and discuss secrets. Lines that he trains to perform so perfectly, while I can't even make sense of meter. Words that he stretches until they say what he means. She falls asleep in the corner and her head nods from side to side like the little dolls that they sell at drugstores. Using the cheapest glue to stick together massive explosions of plastic and potential. Sometimes life can get too big for Crayola. The pens scribble away as they mark up her flesh with adjustments and revisions. I cannot speak. I will not read. My thoughts can't help bolting. Out of this room. Back to the safety of silence. Nor at this shall I be a master.
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4 comments:
...
what have you gone through...?
How do you mean?
Can you explain a bit what this is about?
I took something perfect and twisted it without understanding what I was doing. I distorted the most pure kind of love through implications of a different future. My intentions never changed, but I finally realized that I didn’t control the emotions on the other end of the line.
Lately I’ve been unsure about the reality of relationships. How it can be possible that someone else shares my views to the point of a successful merging of lives. Still, I keep looking. Mostly because I believe in Hashgacha but also because I believe in love.
The rest just touches on my tendency to keep my secrets close to me. To be so careful with my trust. I’m working on expanding, but I find I’m always waiting to be disappointed.
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