Sweet smells. Skin sends off the scent of vanilla. Smooth surfaces- arms and neck- that seem to say there’s something special waiting for the two of us.
Prayers pacify the peacefully faithful. Could it possibly be I’m the one of which you speak. Promoting this passage of rites. You spread the peach colored linens, take another scoop of marmalade. You pinch your cheeks to make them pink and pleasing for this boy you’ve never met. Hoping you’ll pass the test.
Daydream. Reality confides in the sentimental heart that the filmmakers promise is not to be kept. The limbs struggle with the new structure. The years of work that are contained in a minute of ecstasy.
I want to ask you. What is the thing that contains your very breath. What is the one moment for which you have worked. And if I was looking, where would I find your sweat and your spirit. In which sacred well have you peered at your future. Glanced at your dreams. For if you’re to wake one morning, in a sunlight that is now very far away, and find me beside you. Sleeping while you contemplate the existence that you’ve yet to make. Who’s to say you won’t view me as another witness to your passivity. Falling into this love. Involuntarily. Because I’m here. Because I’m willing.
I want you to want me. And I only know it’s possible because I know that I want you.
Daydream. Fantasy overwhelms the logic of the mind and tells me that you will change. As the call goes unanswered for too many days, even the hope must fade; give way to a thicker substance. The heart breaks. The glass shatters. The fairy tale ends incorrectly; like your novels. And I’m alone.
Prayers of the simplest soul. That’s you. Where you stand. Feet together while determined tears stain the pages you thought you’d lost forever. There are no questions because you do not know how to ask. They misunderstand this as a stronger faith when in truth it only testifies to a weaker mind. You turn your head at the passing moments and fail the test.
Sweet smells. Cinnamon and cloves. Time keeps passing and so this separation must come to be. I do not distrust the substance that lies beneath. The stars are out and I can see them through the city lights. They seem to say there’s something special waiting for the two of us.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The Things I Had Forgotten
They were ideas. Perfectly structured thoughts that had survived the crashing waves. They reflected what I had been and the person that I wanted to become. Thought. The kind that stays with you until you fall asleep and lingers sweetly when you wake.
They were hopes. Slightly sloppy but lovingly crafted. Combining the beauty of everything that I wish for and the potential that screams to me from each brick. They held love and sacrifice. They contained determination and achievement. A model for the future and the scrawled sketch of how I wanted it to be. Of how I wanted you.
They were words. Typed out letters that were based on classic composures turned inside out. Paragraphs of crafted rambles on life, love, and the occasional war. Sentences that leaked with the passion for life that I had somehow managed to lose. Letters that dripped with a sweetness that could only come from the optimism I had been sure was forever gone.
They were prayers. Recognition of the good that I lived each day. Understanding of the presence of this one and only Creator. Words that are whispered in every hour. Conversations that connected these two very separate worlds.
They were the things that I had forgotten. I hadn’t anticipated how easy it would be to find them again. How coming back is coming home. Anxiety leaves the moment you enter the door and familiarity conquers all doubts.
Could it really be this easy. People search for decades and find an empty chest buried under years of sand. Couples that will never meet spend lifetimes searching and end disappointed. And some people love twice. Again and again they find a way to fill that loneliness. How can it be that I found it so easily. How can it be that in a second the whole world can change. That a block later it’s clear to me that I’m supposed to be with you, and I’m not sure how I didn’t know it five minutes ago.
The most ridiculous thing is that all you have to do is ask. With a single sentence you can activate the powers of Hashgacha. HaShem changes the entire world in a second and ushers you into a new reality. You just have to ask.
This is it for me. I found what I had lost and I gained more than I had anticipated. We’re walking through the shadowed city and I find it to be a very certain possibility that I will marry you one day. But it doesn’t even matter, because I feel Him in every step and with every inhalation. I feel Him smiling and that’s all that I need.
Please pray. Just something small. Because I want this life for you. I want you to have this beauty. Whoever you are. Whatever your past. You silent companions that populated those lonely hours in the middle of the night. I wish you all the best and all the beauty that can be found in this world.
They were hopes. Slightly sloppy but lovingly crafted. Combining the beauty of everything that I wish for and the potential that screams to me from each brick. They held love and sacrifice. They contained determination and achievement. A model for the future and the scrawled sketch of how I wanted it to be. Of how I wanted you.
They were words. Typed out letters that were based on classic composures turned inside out. Paragraphs of crafted rambles on life, love, and the occasional war. Sentences that leaked with the passion for life that I had somehow managed to lose. Letters that dripped with a sweetness that could only come from the optimism I had been sure was forever gone.
They were prayers. Recognition of the good that I lived each day. Understanding of the presence of this one and only Creator. Words that are whispered in every hour. Conversations that connected these two very separate worlds.
They were the things that I had forgotten. I hadn’t anticipated how easy it would be to find them again. How coming back is coming home. Anxiety leaves the moment you enter the door and familiarity conquers all doubts.
Could it really be this easy. People search for decades and find an empty chest buried under years of sand. Couples that will never meet spend lifetimes searching and end disappointed. And some people love twice. Again and again they find a way to fill that loneliness. How can it be that I found it so easily. How can it be that in a second the whole world can change. That a block later it’s clear to me that I’m supposed to be with you, and I’m not sure how I didn’t know it five minutes ago.
The most ridiculous thing is that all you have to do is ask. With a single sentence you can activate the powers of Hashgacha. HaShem changes the entire world in a second and ushers you into a new reality. You just have to ask.
This is it for me. I found what I had lost and I gained more than I had anticipated. We’re walking through the shadowed city and I find it to be a very certain possibility that I will marry you one day. But it doesn’t even matter, because I feel Him in every step and with every inhalation. I feel Him smiling and that’s all that I need.
Please pray. Just something small. Because I want this life for you. I want you to have this beauty. Whoever you are. Whatever your past. You silent companions that populated those lonely hours in the middle of the night. I wish you all the best and all the beauty that can be found in this world.
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